Natural Childbirth
Story #107 p143 from Stuff White People Like: The Definitive Guide To The Unique Taste of Millions
by Christian Lander
The early years of a child are exceptionally important. The severity and frequency of problems during this era can be directly tied to the amount of therapy and counseling required later in life. Because of this, white people are trying to do whatever they can to keep their children natural and happy, and this begins at birth.
In spite of thousands of years of human history, white people like to believe that they are the first person ever to have a child. Or at least the first to have a truly gifted, beautiful child. For white people, birthing is now a spiritual experience that must be treated appropriately. This means candles, water, doulas, and relaxing music. Modern white birth is essentially an extreme yoga class with more screaming, and it only ends when a child pops out. Read the rest of this entry »
I fell in love with you the moment you were conceived and when I held you in my arms for the first time that love burst in a way I never thought possible. Looking at your beautiful face, so often brings tears to my eyes. I can’t believe that God gave you to me to look after. My miracle. My little bundle of loveliness: a perfect symbol of the love shared between the beings who created you. I could spend hours watching your facial expressions and I try to imprint them on my mind so that I won’t forget. I am mesmerised by your big, inquisitive eyes and I am already addicted to our chats about life and to telling you stories of fantastical worlds, creatures and adventures. I want to protect you and cuddle you and adore you eternally. Tangy, I love you and I promise to be the best mom that I can be.
Let’s bitch about midwives. Let me say off the bat that I appreciate the service offered by midwives and an amazingly competent midwife called Julianna delivered my baby girl a week ago. But I am becoming increasingly sick of condescending comments and ‘the beady eye’. I dread the days that the midwife, aka baby police, comes to visit. I have been told to cut my nails. I have been advised that my house is “very cold” – yes really? So what do Eskimos do? Wrap their babies up and keep them warm. Thanks. 
So, was it as bad as I thought it would be? Yes with a capital Y. Oh the pain! Dear Diary, here is my Labour story:
It’s happened. Two weeks early – WTF? I thought first babies were supposed to be late! I had ‘a show’ this morning at 7am and water has been trickling out all day. No waterfalls or gushing. It’s now 9pm and still no contractions. If nothing happens naturally by 8am tomorrow morning I will be induced. Whilst sitting on the toilet this morning as water leaked out my vag, I thought that it would probably be a good idea to write down my birth plan in my antenatal notes, as I was meant to do some weeks back; I remembered that my flat looks like the aftermath of a nuclear bomb and that I would need to clean; I have also done no ‘nesting’ – the baby’s crib is still sitting in a box. Then I got excited about the idea of taking my baby girl to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park. Woopee! Time for a pad – can’t sit on the toilet all day. 
