Today, in the city of London, a 13-month-old girl took a loaf of bread hostage. After a gruelling and torturous ordeal, Mr Bread Loaf, from the land of Sainsbury’s, was finally released by his captive following an incessant bout of pleading. Police are sad to report that following his release, the battered loaf finally succumbed to his wounds, and died an excruciating death whilst linked to IVs on the kitchen shelf. The chef did all he could but Mr Loaf’s injuries were extensive.
Authorities say that Amelia Violet Zanin will stand trial but is likely to escape conviction due to the mitigating circumstances of toddlerhood.
Andrea Zanin, Amelia’s lovely mother, told reporters that she purchased the loaf of bread to feed the ducks on an outing to the park but Amelia fell asleep before the unlucky loaf had the opportunity to perform his dietary function, and thus avoided consumption. It is alleged that Mrs Zanin left Mr Loaf at the bottom of her child’s pram, giving Amelia easy access to Bread’s resting place.
Andrea told reporters that “Amelia had great fun hauling Mr Loaf around the house.” The young mother admits that “Bread was cuddled, sat on, stood on, beaten and bashed… but NEVER let go of.” Mrs Zanin has since been arrested as accessory to murder, and awaits trial. Prosecutors will argue that it was Andrea’s responsibility, as Amelia’s mother, to have prevented her child’s thuggery, in which case a brutal murder would have been avoided.
Psychologists suggest that Amelia may suffer from what is commonly known as ‘teddy identification confusion’, which is a disorder affecting at least one in every million children under the age of two. Dr Jamand Butter, president of the Institute of Strange Children, explains Amelia’s actions as follows: “Amelia is not to be blamed for her behaviour. She is unable to distinguish her teddy bears from items of food, and thus treats them as one and the same. Do not be surprised if little Amelia chews vigorously on her soft toys and tries to take a broccoli floret to bed with her.”
It seems likely that Amelia’s defence attorneys, who are rumoured to come from the firm of Baker and Pastry, will argue criminal insanity on the child’s behalf. Dr Butter has offered to testify in support of Amelia.
Mr Loaf’s funeral will be held on in Hampstead Heath tomorrow (weather permitting) and is likely to be attended by friends and many many pigeons.