Story #107 p143 from Stuff White People Like: The Definitive Guide To The Unique Taste of Millions
by Christian Lander
The early years of a child are exceptionally important. The severity and frequency of problems during this era can be directly tied to the amount of therapy and counseling required later in life. Because of this, white people are trying to do whatever they can to keep their children natural and happy, and this begins at birth.
In spite of thousands of years of human history, white people like to believe that they are the first person ever to have a child. Or at least the first to have a truly gifted, beautiful child. For white people, birthing is now a spiritual experience that must be treated appropriately. This means candles, water, doulas, and relaxing music. Modern white birth is essentially an extreme yoga class with more screaming, and it only ends when a child pops out.
This also means that the birth should take place without the aid of pain-relief drugs. It is essential that white children are born into a completely drug-free environment. This ensures that they will have a more powerful experience when they start taking drugs in high school.
When the birth is complete, everyone is left with a child, the smell of incense, self-satisfaction and placenta. Normally everything but the placenta will remain, but in recent years white people have started the interesting practice of eating this piece of afterbirth. Though theoretically this is cannibalism, many white people view it as the best in organic food. This is because during pregnancy white women will not eat sushi, drink alcohol, smoke, dye their hair, or engage in any other activities that might endanger their child. The result is an allegedly delicious, organic, grain-fed placenta. It is unknown whether it is acceptable for vegans to eat this.
After learning that a white person is pregnant, it is a good idea to provide a list of recipes for placenta. Even if they do not plan to eat the placenta, they will view you as progressive and open to new things. If you can fake a recipe from your own culture, it is a certainty that the white person will use it, even if they were not planning on it. Other acceptable gifts include candles, a baby sling, and/or a Nature Sounds CD.
If you have not visited Stuffwhitepeoplelike.com, get your ass online and do it NOW! Author Christian Lander started a blog about stuff white people like after having a conversion with his friend Myles (who also writes for the blog) about the fact that white people who do not watch The Wire cannot be trusted and the possible activities that non-Wire watching white people could be engaged in. Some ideas were “Going to therapy, watching plays, doing yoga and getting divorced” – and this sparked Lander’s entrance into the world of blogging (January 18 2008). Lander mentioned that the more he wrote, the more he began to realise that he was writing about himself. Although, much of was he says is on the part of a ‘hater’ taking the piss out of the stereotypical characterisations of the educated white middle-class, he is filled with self-loathing because he is part of that very strata. And this is an inescapable state of being. It’s satire at its very best. Naturally, not every post will apply to every white person and, according to Lander, one does not need to be pale to be ‘white’: it’s all about class, Barack Obama being the classic example. There are some great posts linking to parenthood and raising children. Lander has also released a book, recently launched in the UK, entitled Stuff White People Like: The Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions.